Review - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

 [WARNING: SPOILERS IN THIS REVIEW] 

I have never done a movie review on my blog here before, but as a huge Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan, I had to review this film. Also this is my blog so I do what I want! Haha. I kid. But seriously, also as a Turtles fan, I felt a little frustrated when I saw the trailer for said new TMNT flick that came out this year. I grew up on Turtles, Ok? The comics, the movies, the cartoons, the action figures - all of it. So, as I mentioned, I was frustrated with this new movie coming out... was my frustration unfounded? Well wait and hear me out. The reasons I was frustrated were many; the Foot clan had been reduced to a mercenary squad of humans with assault rifles instead of actual ninjas and/or robots, Shredder appeared to be a white business owner instead of a Japanese samurai, the turtles visual style had changed and lastly - they cast Megan Fox as April O'Neal. Facepalm. I get that people find her attractive, and I admit she isn't ugly yes she is sort of cute, but I'm not the biggest fan of her in films. It's nothing personal. Ok maybe it is. I heard she was a pain in the ass of an actor. Also did I mention Johnny freaking Knoxville does the voice of Leonardo? Facepalm. Facepalms, all around. ANYWHO... Back to the movie itself... I'm going to try and give it a chance.

In the first two minutes, I still was hesitant to open up to the film - all I could think of is Fruit Ninja (watch the first two minutes and you'll get what I'm talking about). A little farther into the movie, and it was easier for me to open up and give it a chance. Some of the characters and dialogue were pretty good, and the over-saturated colors kind of got annoying sometimes but generally looked vivid and bright (think "Battlefield 3"), keeping my eyes on the screen. Once I saw the real Shredder, it became even easier to open up to the film. Ok, he's not a rich white businessman from America (for some reason I thought Sacks = Shredder in the trailer: I'll touch on that later again), but instead he is a real Japanese warrior! THAT'S a Shredder I can know and love.

Moving on through the film, it takes us through the period from April O' Neal to not knowing anything about vigilante crimefighters, to - you guessed it - finding out about them. There was a pretty cool scene where, not to spoil it all, but the Turtles seemed to go pretty hard on some bad guys. I mean, would you want to get slammed with a hundred-ton shipping crate? Neither would I.

A little later on, shit gets real in the Subway. This isn't a rag-tag group of some subway goons, this is an entire group of mercenaries and the bombs and guns come out like crazy. Hostage executions? I don't know if they are about to happen but one of the bad guys mentioned it in the dialogue. I find that kind of cool, cause that's the first I've heard the phrase "execute the hostages" in the TMNT-verse. At least in the supposedly "family-friendly" TMNT-verse, that is. To me, that made the scene more gritty and more dire. Anywho, they got me interested now.

And it was only about 17-20 minutes in though however, that I realized the following homage to the original 90's TMNT film in the new film - which is kind of cool in a way:

Here are those similarities to old original 1990's TMNT movie (the 1st one in the series):

1. April starts off following the Foot, wanting to learn more.
2. April hears of "vigilante superheroes" who fights the Foot, wants to report them.
3. April tries to take it to Channel 6 to report, gets laughed at.
4. April tells people about the crime fighters, but is never believed.
5. April ends up in a subway, with Foot clan soldiers.
6. I guessed this one before I even got to it - the Turtles save April, they officially meet & the rest is history.

The subway fight is pretty cool. It's way more over the top and higher-octanier (is that a word? I don't know, I just made it up so whatever) than the old TMNT but hey it's Michael Bay so WTF did you expect? Michelangelo's comedy is spot on. Ralph's anger and violence is spot on. Donatello's nerdiness & superior intelligence is very much in line with the old Turtles. Hell, even Vern from Channel 6 is done pretty well by the awesome Will Arnett. He seems, well, better. And that's because he's less interested in talking down to April and more interested in dating her, which is fine by me. Being nicer and more interested in a girl is always better than being rude and talking down to a woman, isn't it? The old Vern was pretty much a dweeb. Gosh, remember him? Hah. By this point, though, Johnny Knoxville's voice is STILL making me cringe, and to be honest I'm kind of missing the old voices... but I'm pushing through. I will continue on. If not for me, then for all of you... I can do this! Gah...

Project Renaissance:
This segment explains the origins of the Turtles, in this film at least. It's no "Secret of the Ooze" story, but it's definitely got style and it's not all too different from the original story of the Turtles' origins. Basically, without giving away all the new story in full detail, the simple version is that these new Turtles weren't created on accident by an ooze falling into a sewer. Instead, they were created in a similar fashion, by an ooze still, but in a lab rather. And the ooze is apparently of alien origin and not only that - April O' Neal has a direct connection to their origins, which is where the biggest difference lies perhaps. It's indeed a big difference, but not as big as I was worried about - what we originally were told when the movie was in development; the Turtles are in fact straight up aliens themselves. But that wasn't true, and I was glad that wasn't the actual case here. The Turtles being "aliens" just sounded weird to me. I'm sure most would agree they are "mutants" and not "aliens". Well, that's how they are supposed to be at least.

The next part of the film hits the Turtles lair hard and is met with your standard pop culture and trans-film-industry references, with the Turtles mentioning things from Jedis to Hogwarts. Not surprising with the amazing Pizza Hut product placement. And by amazing, I mean "Wow, this is blatant product placement. How stupid. This is so stupid. Stupid. But uhhh... now I kind of want pizza". Touche, Michael Bay - touche. I did get a chuckle out of it, at the very least. Donnie's multi-monitor setup is glorious and something I'm extremely envious of. Also did you see that badass stereo-wall? That thing is siiiickkkk! Er, I mean... "radical"! I don't know, it's 2014, what do the Turtles say nowadays? "Brah"? (They actually do indeed say "brah"). The new Turtle lair is pretty awesome, they got everything from multi-monitor computer rooms to neon-lit skateboard vert-areas. I feel like I'm having to keep using a lot of dashes ("-") for this review. Sorry if they get out of hand. But back on topic, I can also say once I see more of Splinter in this film I begin to like him more and more. The old Splinter was kind of... senile... compared to this new one. Hell the new one even smacks around the Turtles early on in the movie. Go Rat-Father! Show your adopted animal-children what's what. Ok I'm getting weird now in the review, I'm sorry.

Random note on the film that was awesome: 

I was looking up pictures to put in this blog post, and I found this one.

I guess they did some live action acting and motion capture for the Turtles. 

That's pretty sweet. I love seeing technology used like this.

At this point I'd like to go back onto the topic of Sacks being Shredder - or me at least thinking he was when I first saw the trailer. Apparently, according to a quick Wikipedia read, it wasn't just me who thought that: Sacks was indeed going to be Shredder (or at least this was widely believed when the trailer first came out). Whether it be to him never actually being Shredder, or a decision being made to revert his true origins as Oroku Saki I do not know. While varying reports exist on this important plot point's evolution while in film development, it does however appear there was indeed some sort of confusion and that a change did in fact happen. I'm glad that Oroku is here though! Very glad for that. And he is played very well by a Japanese actor - Tohoru Masamune - who mostly speaks Japanese in the film, which I think elevates and enhances his character. Touching a little more on Shredder, the dynamic between him and Splinter also seems a bit different in this film. Whereas in the old films Shredder seemed like a man who was envious or had a personal vendetta against Splinter, in this film Shredder seems more like a man who scoffs at the kung fu master Splinter, a once mere rat - could even become such a powerful fighter. That disdain and disregard is strongly felt in the fighting scenes featuring both of them.

So at this time in the film, I'll vaguely say that something bad happens to the Turtles. They are captured but, Raph is out of the picture at this time. Almost like the opposite of what happens in the 2nd TMNT film from 1991. Hmmm... I can already guess who's going to show up later to save the day. Flash forward a few minutes to a scene of Will Arnett making a sandwich in his apartment with George Michael's Careless Whisper playing in the background. CAN this get any better? Seriously.

Vern, April & Raph end up attacking Sacks estate, and at this point I really wished Raph picked up an automatic rifle and went Bodycount on their asses but I knew that wasn't going to happen - a boy can dream, can't he? But we get some pretty cool fighting again here at this point. Standard Michael Bay fare. An epic battle between Raph and Shredder ensues, pretty much your standard "hero versus villain" movie-fight. There's a lot of "expected" things in this movie, and by that I mean you can see it coming. It doesn't leave a whole lot to your imagination. But that's not necessarily a bad thing...

Sideflips and adrenaline. I feel like I'm getting lazy and using less words now. But that's what happens next. It's pretty awesome. This part is actually pretty funny because the Turtles get injected with an extreme overload of adrenaline, and then spin out like they just hit a bongful of meth. Good times Turtles, good times! Donatello is a lot more technologically geared up in this one. In that aspect I was first reluctant to accept, but through most of the film I ended up realizing it was actually pretty dang cool. He can do a lot with those awesome goggles. And I think he has some sort of rocket boots. Or something. Somehow, through all the adrenaline, the Turtles manage to gain some sort of bullet-immunity powers. Then Will Arnett complains about "talking turtles". Oh yes it can get better, yes it can.

There's a big "snow" motiff going on here. I guess whoever made or developed this film really liked, or for some reason wanted, a lot of snow. Everytime they go to Sacks estate there is snow, and this is no exception. In fact in this segment we just see snow after snow after more snow and now we're in Siberia. How did that happen? I'm not sure. Cue a Michael Bay truck hanging off cliff scene. Now CUT.

Actually scratch that, no cut, let's have a chase scene. Cue CGI. More CGI. We must go deeper. MORE CGI! Donatello does an amazing move on a Humvee while sliding down a snow slope using his bo, causing the Humvee to do a front flip in front of itself. Again, not surprising - Michael Bay. Did I say Michael Bay? DAE Michael Bay? Michael Bay. OH SHIT MICHELANGELO JUST PULLED OUT A ROCKET MINI-HOVERBOARD Ok shows over folks. Nothin to see here now.

...More snow. Snow and chase scenes. Well Ok, let me correct myself, this chase scenes now transcended into a being chased scene. They are still sliding down the hill and there's trucks running towards them and an avalanche falling behind them. Oh and they are headed for a cliff. Later on, we see Sacks become more of a Baxter Stockman-type (minus the fly-mutation) character of sorts, working for the Shredder making technology and other gear for him and the Foot and also aiding in the plot for a terrible attack on New York city alongside the Shredder.

By this point, I'm pretty sure I haven't detailed the full plot as far as the bad guys and their ultimate evil plan. I'll leave that one for the audience out there to find out on their own. Don't wanna give way too much now. The Turtles inevitably end up fighting the Shredder though, and I'm pretty sure you knew that all would come in this movie. On a rooftop too. The Turtles then engage in some sort of school-yard jump-frog game and kick Shredder off the roof - then he climbs back up. Other plot things happen, and then stuff. Man I feel like I wrote this review way too long. LOL. I had a few beers too when writing this. Just so you know.

"It's just a little dusty out here"

So, in conclusion;
Is it better than I expected?   
I was indeed expecting many many letdowns. Some of them were justified, but a lot of them were unfounded. The Turtles aren't actual aliens, and Shredder is still a badass Japanese samurai unlike the rich American businessman I assumed he was from the trailer (but at least I wasn't TOO far off on that... you'll understand when you learn more about Sacks 40-some-odd minutes into the film).

Is it worth watching?   
Sure. I didn't pay to watch it, so if you can watch it for free do it! Or if you buy it, buy the Blu Ray. It seems like there's a lot of super awesome effects that I wish I could've seen in Blu Ray - I watched it in less-than-Blu-Ray quality.

How good is it?   
Somewhere between not bad and pretty good.

How does it compare to the originals?   
The people who made this film were consisted of - or at least consulted some of - people who were fans of the original Turtle films and series, you can clearly see it often in the films. They may do it different. Or they may not do it at all. But this does feel like a Turtles film of this age. There are some homages here and there to the older ones, and a lot of similarities to the old storyline, but there are also vast differences in the stories as well. It's not the original TMNT, but it kind of is - what can you say? But it's not terrible compared to the original, not at all. In fact it's entertaining, and I felt like as a Turtle fan that they still thought of us in a lot of this film. All in all it's a decent recreation of the Turtles, what they would be today. And that's exactly what this film is.

What I hated the most in it?   
Toss-up between Johnny Knoxville's voice and Megan Fox's... person. Ok maybe she grows on me partway through the film. Or I just ignore her more effectively. Something.

What I loved the most in it?   
The elevator beatbox breakdown is pretty amazing. No I change my mind, that's not it I'm gonna have to actually say Splinter. Splinter kicked ass. Did he really just do that kung fu movie style beard stroke & then get into a fighting pose like a 1970's Hong Kong action movie? Oh yes he did. Badass. I hate to admit it but I love the new Splinter. There, I said it. Oh and I also should mention that the Turtles whooped some ass too. I mean, really whooped some ass. They didn't hold back. I'm pretty sure Leo even killed some guys with his swords. These guys fight harder, faster, and smoother and look a lot better fighting than the old rubber suits of the stoneage (sorry old TMNT, I know tis blasphemy). All in all the fighting was just better in this one. Then again, this is Michael fucking Bay. Fuck you. Buy my movies. *~Cue explosions~*

What would I rate it?      
I want to give it a 7 out of 10, but I'm not sure. But a high 6.5 is definitely fitting of this film IMHO.

Would I recommend this film?   
Sure. Like I said, try to watch it on Blu Ray.

End it with Michelangelo shooting a rocket launcher at a car, a cheesy song at the end, and then Juicy J rapping about the Ninja Turtles in the credits. And there you have it! While it might not be the original TMNT film, its a TMNT film none-the-less! -Dashes! ALL-THE-DASHES! Dash. - - - -

Cowabunga!